We are brought up in a society to be kind to others and for females it is even more ingrained, we are told and it is reinforced throughout our lives that it is our duty to be kind and compassionate to others. But when we give and give and give to others, without being just as considerate to ourself, we end up in a negative life pattern of self sacrifice, we give everything we have to others at the expense of ourselves. It is so important that we practice self kindness and self compassion so that we can fill ourselves up. This is not selfish, in fact, the more whole, the more complete we are, the more we will have to give to others.
So what does self kindness and compassion practically look like?
Self-compassion involves being aware of our own pain and suffering, our own feelings of inadequacy, our own shortcomings or failures and directing feelings of kindness, compassion and care towards ourselves.
Being self-compassionate is about acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and experiencing unpleasant difficulties is sometime inevitable. However, rather than criticising yourself or continually playing the mistakes over and over in your mind, self-compassionate is about allowing yourself to be kind, understanding, and forgiving of yourself, being reassuring to yourself that everything is OK and is at it should be, for now.
Benefits
People who practice self kindness and self compassion are much less likely to be depressed, anxious, and stressed, and are much more likely to be happy, resilient, and optimistic about their future. In short, they have better mental health.
Try these 8 tips and techniques for self compassion and self kindness:
- Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Let yourself make mistakes. Give yourself permission to be human and accept your flaws, remind yourself that you’re not alone in being imperfect.
- Care for yourself as you’d treat others, this is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself.
- Become more self aware, try releasing statements. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and ‘releasing’ yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”.
- Try self acceptance. Embrace your own perceived shortcomings as well as your character strengths. Don’t over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are.
- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core concepts, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere.
- Stop judgement. Try not to judge yourself too quickly, don’t assume that just because you do something one way (and possibly make a mistake) that you will always behave that way and continually make mistakes. This is again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
- Let go of the need for outside validation. Lots of our negative thinking comes from how we think others perceive us or will perceive us in a certain situation. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences is an act of self-kindness.
- Reach out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing your feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realise that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of connectedness, reframing our perceived problems within the ‘bigger picture’, and building social support networks that are invaluable to well-being. Seek out a specialist counsellor or life coach if you do not have friends that can help you with this.
At its core, greater self-kindness and self-compassion helps us be more connected and happier human beings. But it’s also an important part of healing, of both the physical and emotional type. Self-kindness also helps us work with our habit of negative self talk and self-criticism.
Still need more help? Try creating a self care routine to keep you consistently looking after yourself. Also keep an eye out for new courses on the website and our growing range of ebooks.
